When western
men come to Thailand and start serious relationships with Thai
women, there are few issues more contentious than the subject of
`sinsot'. Should western men pay sinsot to the family of their
prospective Thai wife?
What is Sinsot?
Sinsot is the Thai marriage tradition of the man giving money and
gold to his new wife's family. The payment is put on display at
the marriage ceremony. It is a way for the man to show he has the
financial means to take care of his new wife and for the woman's
family to gain face. It shows how highly the man values his new
wife so the more money and gold they can put on show, the more
face the family gain.
The parties involved hold negotiations before the wedding to
agree how much the man should pay. Usually the woman's family
will make an opening request and the man will counter offer, etc.
They do not just negotiate how much money and gold he will give,
but also what will happen to the payment after the marriage
ceremony. There are no definite rules on this. Sometimes the
entire amount will go to the woman's family. However, often they
will agree to return some or all of the payment after the
ceremony. Sometimes, they will agree to give some or all of the
money to the woman to help her set up her new home. The amount
that is put on show at the wedding ceremony is not always the
amount that the man will actually pay.
Although sometimes the wife's family just want to negotiate as
much money as they can get, there are many other nuances to these
negotiations. If the parties agree that some of the payment will
be returned, then the man is showing trust in his wife's family
that they will honour the agreement. They in turn can show they
are trustworthy by repaying the agreed amount.
A successful sinsot agreement and transaction shows the man
values his new wife and the families can work together. It is a
good start to the couple's married life and for the relationship
between both families. An unsuccessful sinsot transaction can
cause bitterness and have repercussions for years to come.
Do Thai Men Really Pay Sinsot?
Some western men believe that sinsot is a tradition invented
purely for Thai families to squeeze money out of their new
farang-son-in-law. They do not believe that Thai men really have
to make these payments.
Well sinsot is a tradition that is slowly fading in Thailand.
There are many Thai marriages where no sinsot payment is given.
However, the sinsot tradition is genuine and many Thai men still
have to make this payment to get the wife they want. The amounts
involved can be very high and often the Thai man will need to
save for years or borrow the money to make the payment.
As with so many things in Thailand, the answer is not clear-cut.
Some Thai men pay sinsot and some don't.
How Much Should Men Pay?
There are no definite rules about how much sinsot to pay. It is down to negotiation. It does depend a great deal on the
circumstances of the woman. For a well-educated young woman from
a high-class family who is beautiful and has a good career, her
family can demand a high sinsot. I have heard of Thai men paying
two million baht for such women.
Women from lower class backgrounds can still be worth high sums
if they are beautiful and especially if they are still virgins.
The Thais use the word 'fresh' to describe such women and there
is still a lingering tradition that some women save themselves
for their marriage partner. Such women may command sinsot
payments up to 500,000 baht.
However, such high payments are certainly not the norm. I would
say a typical Thai sinsot would be under 100,000 baht and
probably with half the payment returned to the man after the
ceremony.
There are factors that reduce a woman's value. If a woman is
divorced or has children then her value is greatly reduced. My
wife is previously divorced and I certainly did not consider
making a sinsot payment and was never asked for one.
If a woman has worked in the sex industry then she is sullied
goods and Thai men would not pay a large sinsot. Still I know one
Thai man who found his wife in a girly bar and paid 200,000 baht
sinsot to her family, none returned.
Should Western Men Pay Sinsot?
The contentious bit - should western men give sinsot if they
marry a Thai woman? Many men will point out that sinsot is not a
western tradition so why should they have to follow it. In fact,
the western tradition is almost the opposite where the bride's
family should pay for the wedding ceremony. Just like in
Thailand, that tradition has become a little outdated and many
marriage ceremonies do not follow it.
There is no simple answer. It is up to the man and his fianc‚ to
find a compromise solution that works for both parties. It does
seem that many western men are more willing to bend to Thai
traditions than the other way around. Therefore, it is common
that western men agree to make some kind of sinsot payment. That
should not mean they pay over the odds just because they are
western. If the western man is willing to give sinsot then he
should negotiate an amount with which he is comfortable. Remember
that agreeing to a sinsot payment that leaves you feeling bitter
will not make for a good start to the marriage.
Also remember, dare I say it, that if you found your fianc‚
working in the sex industry, then this does reduce her sinsot
value.
What I would say is that the sinsot negotiation can tell you a
great deal about your fianc‚'s family. If they are willing to
accept that sinsot is not your tradition or they do not want a
sinsot, then this is a very positive sign. It shows they may be
enlightened about accepting other people's values and they are
more interested in the happiness of their daughter than making
money.
Even if her family are traditional and do want to negotiate a
sinsot, this is not always a bad sign. It is how they carry out
the negotiation and how much they ask for that you should judge.
If they ask for a fair amount or if they are willing to return
some or give the money to your wife, then they are probably a good family. It is when they start asking for unreasonable
amounts and will not negotiate that you should become wary. If
they start using negotiating tactics like 'take it or leave it'
or suggesting that other men are willing to pay this amount, then
you may be dealing with a family that are going to be a
problem.
This might sound harsh, but no matter how lovely your Thai woman
may be, if you are marrying into a bad family then you are going
to have problems. They will always be a bad influence in the
marriage and Thai family ties are so strong that it will be tough
for your wife to side with you. A bad family has been the doom of
many mixed marriages in Thailand. If you get the feeling that
your fianc‚'s family are only interested in your money, then
sometimes it is best to walk away from the whole thing and start
again.
For more information about relationships with Thai girls in
Phuket you can start at our
Phuket Girls page and then browse the
rest of our site for all you need to know about Phuket.